Apathy and self doubt....

I can remember a time when nothing would stop me from following my dreams and when things seemed but a small hurdle that i could effortlessly clear. i knew back then that life takes time and that with hard work and perserverence things turn out ok. you just have to work at it, and it takes time but that ultimately those who pay their dues and work hard are rewarded. i can remember when things set me back how i would shrug them off, and find a way. find a way to keep chasing my dreams, keep trying and keep on going. i was so strong, i had such vision and i was such a great person. i was so strong for my friends and my family, and when they needed me i could always be counted on to be there. i loved that, i loved being there for them, being the one they could depend on and come to when they hurt or needed someone. most of all i loved being there for michelle, and coley. it meant a lot to me, it meant so much to me. it meant i had a purpose in life, that my life really meant something to someone and that i could use my time here to do something that really mattered.

it meant a lot because i felt as though i accomplished something. i felt as though i made a difference, not just temporarily but long term. i lived in the memories of those who i was closest to and i made a difference they would remember always, and in that, was my legacy. it was what i was sent here to do, and i was proud to be able to do it and to be the one who was chosen to do it. it wasnt work for me, it wasnt a bother or a burden, it was a privilege, and it was an honor.

all of that is forgotten now, and all of that is simply in the past and has faded to barely remembered memories of people who i rarely see and barely know anymore. i feel so empty. i feel so purposeless. i do have school and i am determined and motivated for it. i am. im really looking forward to it.. i dont know about anything else though. i just dont care very much. apathy is the word that springs to mind. i just dont know and i just dont care very much anymore. i miss her already so much that my heart is shattering into a million pieces like a crystal vase fallen from the table to shatter on the floor, the peices scattering far and wide, impossible to put back together.

i realized something last night when i left her house. i realized that no matter what i did, said or how long i waited, it didnt matter. it didnt make any difference, the outcome was the same. its over. she is gone, and i am alone again. whatever she is hanging on to isnt there. whatever i am hanging onto has been gone for a long long time, and im kidding myself to think otherwise. its just over. theres no point in even hoping anymore. its best if i just dont return her calls, answer her texts. i guess i should just let go. whats the use in not? nothing is gonna change. she doesnt know what she has, and she doesnt want what could be. she keeps drilling it into my head right people wrong time, but you know what? thats a lie. if it was meant to be it would have been. its not, and so it wont. i cant stand by and watch my heart break all over again. shes broken it so many times you cant tell it was ever whole. not that it ever was anyway.

it took five long painful lonely sad years to bring myself to let Faith go. it took all that time to let her go and know that she wasnt coming back, that that gravestone was real, and i was on my own. for good. it took five long difficult years to get past what happened, and to finally be able to try with someone else, and the worst part is that i fell in love with someone who could not possibly understand what i have to offer or what we could have been. i had everything i ever wanted right in front of me, but the girl of my dreams isnt able to recognize what i could be, how she feels about me, or what to do about it. all the things that make for happy endings in a movie, that make the fairy tale story so wonderful, dont matter this time, and for me, they never will.

im tired. im so tired. ive had far more than my fair share of disappointments, and i want to keep trying but i just cant do it. i dont know how to look past all the things that have happened to me and to see what might be waiting. to be honest i dont care either. really, i meant that. im sure you dont beleive me but its true. the feeling i have is that the next one waiting for me to fall in love with is a waste of time too, because the outcome never changes. the only waiting for me down the line, down the road, is another disappointment and another broken heart. forget it. i dont want it. ive already been there and done that, thank you, and i will pass.

so i guess this is my time to say what i need to say and just say the words and put them out there for all to see, and to be free of it. Good Bye Michelle. Good Bye and Good Luck, i hope you find what you are looking for. I love you and i will miss you very very much.

sherm