another wonderful day....
I dont know why i bother any more. really. nothing gets better. nothing ever changes. you know i seem to remember dating another girl who didnt appreciate what she had until it was gone, but what can you do?
I wish i could sit here and right something happy. i wish i could sit here and tell you things are getting better, that there was some hope, but the fact of the matter is, i dont beleive that. i dont beleive in hope or happy endings any more. some people have them and im sure they happen all the time, but what i DO beleive is, some people ARE NOT MEANT for happy endings. some people are meant to die young. some people are meant to not be happy. some people are not meant to live out there dreams. some people are not meant to do great things. some people are meant to suffer. some people are meant to hurt and be hurt. some people are meant to lead quiet and often desperate lives, little noticed by anyone and mostly unappreciated and for the most part rarely missed.
i mean it when i say i wish i could write something happy for a change. i dont do that. not any more. even when things go right, i hold my tongue and i stay silent because i know that it will not last. even when things go right or go well, i remain silent because i know that soon it will all have been a lie, and that the bottom will have once again fallen through giving lie to the happy things i said and thought only a short time before. things dont work out for me. i like to think that maybe someday they will but in truth, i dont beleive thats really the case. i beleive, in my heart of hearts, that in the end, things will not work out and that whatever happiness i find is destined to leave me. the only happiness ive ever found was fleeting and for the most part illusory. Faith was different, but then Her life ended way too soon too, and once again i was left alone.
What has changed? nothing. every time i beleive that it could work out with someone, i always turn out to be wrong. i know that what im looking for is the right things, the right person, but i guess its not something that is meant to happen. to have been given so many opportunities and so many times to have it all taken away again just tells me i should stop and quit putting myself through all this. a marine friend of mine once joked to another friend from seal team six "whats the difference between hope and false hope? answer: nothing!" i think that says it all. im tired of living the lie, beleiving one day it will happen. im tired of thinking things will turn around. im tired of thinking this girl will come to her senses and appreciate what she has and realize what we are and what we could be if she could commit. im tired of thinking maybe someday in the future when i have more to offer. im tired of thinking maybe someday i will HAVE something TO OFFER. i doubt that i will. im not sure i will be around that much longer. im not sure i WANT to be around that much longer. somedays i just think its all a waste of time to even get up and try any more.
now i know what you are thinking, this is all about her. well, its not. not even close. not even close. every single aspect of my life has completely fallen apart, and i have no idea how to rebuild my life, how to pick myself up off the ground and to start to climb back to what i had. i just dont know and i just dont care. i dont know if i want to do the work i dont know if i would rather not just stop altogether and not wake up. i really have a feeling only a few people would even really miss me. im sure steve would, and ben and ted. outside of that, i really have a hard time beleiving i would really be missed. i bet occasionally i would cross a few more peoples minds, surely my parents would miss me some, but on the whole, my being gone would not affect all that many people all that greatly. with all the good ive tried to do in my life, with my life, thats a really hurtful thought too. ive given so much and i feel so un appreciated and i feel so valueless. i feel like my life has been for nothing, that i have accomplished nothing.
i really do not know where to go from here or what else to say. the only thing i am looking forward to is the start of classes. it will provide me with a WELCOME distraction and things to keep my busy and focused. i need that. i need something else to dwell on, something to fill up the emptiness in my life. my life is terribly empty and i feel worn out. the emotional well has run dry, and i really no longer have a lot of reserves left. i am not as strong as i used to be. i am not as ok as i used to be. i no longer have the faith i once had, and in more ways then one. not just Her, but my faith in life, in people, in god, in destiny or fate, in anything. i dont beleive anymore. i dont have any reason to beleive any more.
so as i write this, i sit here reading her text message and once again ive made her really happy, and she misses me so, and she is smiling and happy and on her way to bed and couldnt wait to tell me she was home safe and wanted me to be the last person she talked to today, and cant wait to see me tomorrow, which is wonderful, but how long will that last? how long before she changes her mind and once again is plagued by the same old indecision that she always is? how long before she breaks my heart all over again? i dont know. soon i guess. it doesnt matter.
i sit here and i think to myself the only thing in my life that really matters right now, really makes ANY difference in my life, will be SCHOOL. i cant WAIT to go back to class and to be going full time again is a dream come true. and even with a focus, a major i LIKE a PURPOSE again, but im scared i will fail. im scared i will not do well and that i will screw this up. still, atleast i am focused on this, and atleast it is something real and tangible i can hold in my hand and really dedicate myself to, and its best of all something that if i really put in more and more effort and time i will get more and more back from it. this is just what i need and even if i have nothing else in my life that makes me happy any more, atleast i have this.
well every one, im done ranting for the night. ive said my peice and got my self pity out of the way for a while again, and tomorrow is coming and i have a lot to do. not that i want to. my life isnt fun anymore. my life doesnt have any real joy any more, just obligations and promises to keep.
I wish i could sit here and right something happy. i wish i could sit here and tell you things are getting better, that there was some hope, but the fact of the matter is, i dont beleive that. i dont beleive in hope or happy endings any more. some people have them and im sure they happen all the time, but what i DO beleive is, some people ARE NOT MEANT for happy endings. some people are meant to die young. some people are meant to not be happy. some people are not meant to live out there dreams. some people are not meant to do great things. some people are meant to suffer. some people are meant to hurt and be hurt. some people are meant to lead quiet and often desperate lives, little noticed by anyone and mostly unappreciated and for the most part rarely missed.
i mean it when i say i wish i could write something happy for a change. i dont do that. not any more. even when things go right, i hold my tongue and i stay silent because i know that it will not last. even when things go right or go well, i remain silent because i know that soon it will all have been a lie, and that the bottom will have once again fallen through giving lie to the happy things i said and thought only a short time before. things dont work out for me. i like to think that maybe someday they will but in truth, i dont beleive thats really the case. i beleive, in my heart of hearts, that in the end, things will not work out and that whatever happiness i find is destined to leave me. the only happiness ive ever found was fleeting and for the most part illusory. Faith was different, but then Her life ended way too soon too, and once again i was left alone.
What has changed? nothing. every time i beleive that it could work out with someone, i always turn out to be wrong. i know that what im looking for is the right things, the right person, but i guess its not something that is meant to happen. to have been given so many opportunities and so many times to have it all taken away again just tells me i should stop and quit putting myself through all this. a marine friend of mine once joked to another friend from seal team six "whats the difference between hope and false hope? answer: nothing!" i think that says it all. im tired of living the lie, beleiving one day it will happen. im tired of thinking things will turn around. im tired of thinking this girl will come to her senses and appreciate what she has and realize what we are and what we could be if she could commit. im tired of thinking maybe someday in the future when i have more to offer. im tired of thinking maybe someday i will HAVE something TO OFFER. i doubt that i will. im not sure i will be around that much longer. im not sure i WANT to be around that much longer. somedays i just think its all a waste of time to even get up and try any more.
now i know what you are thinking, this is all about her. well, its not. not even close. not even close. every single aspect of my life has completely fallen apart, and i have no idea how to rebuild my life, how to pick myself up off the ground and to start to climb back to what i had. i just dont know and i just dont care. i dont know if i want to do the work i dont know if i would rather not just stop altogether and not wake up. i really have a feeling only a few people would even really miss me. im sure steve would, and ben and ted. outside of that, i really have a hard time beleiving i would really be missed. i bet occasionally i would cross a few more peoples minds, surely my parents would miss me some, but on the whole, my being gone would not affect all that many people all that greatly. with all the good ive tried to do in my life, with my life, thats a really hurtful thought too. ive given so much and i feel so un appreciated and i feel so valueless. i feel like my life has been for nothing, that i have accomplished nothing.
i really do not know where to go from here or what else to say. the only thing i am looking forward to is the start of classes. it will provide me with a WELCOME distraction and things to keep my busy and focused. i need that. i need something else to dwell on, something to fill up the emptiness in my life. my life is terribly empty and i feel worn out. the emotional well has run dry, and i really no longer have a lot of reserves left. i am not as strong as i used to be. i am not as ok as i used to be. i no longer have the faith i once had, and in more ways then one. not just Her, but my faith in life, in people, in god, in destiny or fate, in anything. i dont beleive anymore. i dont have any reason to beleive any more.
so as i write this, i sit here reading her text message and once again ive made her really happy, and she misses me so, and she is smiling and happy and on her way to bed and couldnt wait to tell me she was home safe and wanted me to be the last person she talked to today, and cant wait to see me tomorrow, which is wonderful, but how long will that last? how long before she changes her mind and once again is plagued by the same old indecision that she always is? how long before she breaks my heart all over again? i dont know. soon i guess. it doesnt matter.
i sit here and i think to myself the only thing in my life that really matters right now, really makes ANY difference in my life, will be SCHOOL. i cant WAIT to go back to class and to be going full time again is a dream come true. and even with a focus, a major i LIKE a PURPOSE again, but im scared i will fail. im scared i will not do well and that i will screw this up. still, atleast i am focused on this, and atleast it is something real and tangible i can hold in my hand and really dedicate myself to, and its best of all something that if i really put in more and more effort and time i will get more and more back from it. this is just what i need and even if i have nothing else in my life that makes me happy any more, atleast i have this.
well every one, im done ranting for the night. ive said my peice and got my self pity out of the way for a while again, and tomorrow is coming and i have a lot to do. not that i want to. my life isnt fun anymore. my life doesnt have any real joy any more, just obligations and promises to keep.
posted by eversman at 9:38 PM
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