good is good......

and bad is bad. so the song goes. i love that song too, and when the album comes out im gonna buy it. i think im gonna spend some more money and subscribe to a meeting people service. so i got to sit down and talk to sarah wednesday night. it went really well, steve and i and tony had a great time. got to smoke my first cuban cigar. a table full of ex coworkers was in there too so i got to see a lot of old friends and it was a great night. i asked her out finally, but alas, she is taken. i still got a hug outta the deal and an explanation that if i had been sooner.......if only id of been sooner. life goes on. good is good, a hug is good. too late is bad, bad is bad. oh well. life goes on right? still, its a good sign. but thats all i can really say about that. im disappointed but she was honest and i think i have a new friend. def gonna pop in and see her from time to time. so good is good, bad is bad.

steve is home on leave and i got to see him quite a bit so far. having a great time and a lot of good things are happening for him. good is good, he has earned all of it and im happy for him. i really am. work is work. good days and bad. yesterday was long and rough. but im doing better. struggling a little less every day. getting better at it, but i have a long ways to go. im too distracted with everything outside of work, as i have a lot going on. still need a roomate but thats a real hassle to find. still single, but trying hard not to be. same old same old on that front. im too picky, im just not lucky, whatever. sick of the whole deal but i know what i want and refuse to give up on those dreams. especially seeing how many of my friends are living the dream. maybe it will come in time i dunno. i try not to think about it too much, really. sometimes i succeed sometimes i fail. good is good, bad is bad.

havent found time all week to read any more of my arabic lessons. its hard stuff and im struggling with it too but i wont give up. i wanna learn this a lot. i really do. i have so many things on my mind and so many things to do on my list of to-dos. the bike is on the list too but if the weather doesnt cooperate.......tomorrow i think i will get the bike out and go for a ride. just drive to where i want to be, way way way out of town in the middle of nowhere and just ride til im sick of being on the road then turn around. i miss doing that. maybe itll take my mind off of the world around me. its not that life is bad, its not. i have a lot going for me and i know that, but im still unhappy, more to the point im still unsatisfied. there are a lot of things id like to change but feel powerless to do so. i dont have the answers to questions that nag me everyday. there are a few outlets i have, and the bike used to be one of them tell i got so busy everyday i dont have a life anymore. i miss the simplicity of the wheels going round and round and the country side rolling by. i miss the smell of cut grass and cool morning air with bright sunshine warming my skin. i miss the solitude of being the only one around in the hills for miles and miles save for the occasional cyclist doing the same thing i am. with a curt nod or wave just going by and carrying on with the ride. i miss that a lot. i miss turning the cell phone off and just leaving. just fucking leaving and being TOTALLY UNAVAILABLE. i miss it. i miss that first pedal stroke that leads to leaving everything and everyone behind, even if for a little bitty while. thats what it means to me to be a cyclist. its the greatest feeling in the world. and im not just good at it, im great at it. its something i dont share with many other people i know these days, and i like that. its one more thing that makes me unique.

think im done with a few other hobbies i have too, but thats been coming for a while. i just dont feel the same as i used to about a lot of things. my personality, who i am, whats important to me has changed, a lot. i look forward to other things now. i look for other things from life, and im in that transition stage where i am finally becoming the fully fledged adult who is more practical than fun oriented. its wierd. its strange. i feel old. i say that a lot too, but more and more i can see myself again. even in the mirror. ive always had a baby face but lately it just doesnt look the same to me. i dont feel young at heart, i dont feel carefree, i dont feel like i can live from moment to moment any more, i need a little more. looking towards making plans for the future but everything seems so vague, so ......................blank. that is something ive felt before but never to this degree. ihave this picture in my mind of how i want it to be, how id like things to go if i could pick up a pencil and paper and write my future, but i cant make it happen, only god and fate or whatever is doing it can. i can help i can try, but its not for me to decide and i know that. still, i know what id like it to be. more than anything i know. someone special, get married, raise a family, get a house, grow old and die an old man. nothing special just the average.

i keep playing this song over and over again, good is good by sheryl crow. it just rings true in my head and resonates, i cannot explain it to you all. i dunno. it just makes me think, think back, think about how i wish things had gone with certain people, and how much i wonder at what the future holds. i try to be adventurous, i do. but maybe im just trying too hard? i dunno. i always feel like i dont have any answers anymore, these days. but this song seems to make me feel a little better, i cant tell you why that is, only that it does. i play it over and over and i seem to feel less alone. alone. that is the key.

i always feel so alone. its been a while since faith died and ive made SURE i have sept 11th and sept 12th off work. yeah, you know it. im gonna be unconsolable those days. nothing can be done about it, its just the way it is. i miss her. i miss her a lot more than i ever thought i could miss someone. i miss what we had and i hope to find it again but i think and i feel like ive used up all my good luck. i feel like maybe that was my one chance, and its past me by. thats what strikes me the most about the song. but its not the only thing, its just one of the many. i dunno. what do you think? can lightning strike twice???????????????????? you tell me. id be interested to hear what you all think.

well, i have a family get together to attend so i better get going. free beer and a nice steak, so im def going. and fam too. thats the most important part, but beer is good too. anyhow, you all have a safe and fun holiday weekend. more from me later.

ev