crazy day.....

well, this will be a short post. im a bit exasperated today. right now. a girl who nearly started a fight two days ago to go out with me today, stood me up. a random dude came up to me today (im straight just for the record) and asked me on a date, and a girl ive been HOPING AND PRAYING would ask me out did so today. its been a weird one so far, and its not over.

more to follow, for now though, im outtie. laters.

paul

some days i just dont understand.....

I know that there will be good days and bad days, i know that. i do. i tried so hard today to make her happy and i did. then, suddenly in the movie, she changed back to being unhappy and for whatever reason, was so distant, like i wasnt even there. i dont get it. what do i have to do? i tried so hard today, and especially since its her birthday tomorrow! i dont know what else to do. i feel totally un appreciated, like i dont matter, like nothing i do or say matters anymore. i am so tired of feeling alone and so tired of feeling like someone to be kept at a distance. im so tired. im so very tired. im so tired of every one i ever fall in love with taking me for granted. im so tired of every one i ever fall in love with never realizing what they have until its far far too late. im sick to death of being the one who never matters. thats it, thats all i have to say. thats all i have the breath and life to say tonight. im so disappointed, im so hurt, and i am so sad. my heart is breaking all over again.

ev

quick note to all....

hey everybody, just wanted to drop a quick note, and let everyone know how i was and what was going on. i had an interview on friday and it went well. i got the job! im excited and definitely releived. a lot of my self worth comes from knowing im employed and being productive with my life, so thats a big deal, and the whole money and responsibility thing too. so thats a huge releif and im proud that i am finally finding work. took long enough.

Second, i finally did something i have not done in a very long damn time: i took a vacation. michelle and her family were kind enough to invite me, and i really didnt feel like a third wheel because they genuinely wanted me to go, and want me to be a part of their family. it is an awesome feeling knowing that, and i had an absolutely spectacular time. it was a really special weekend with my girl, and with her fam. i got to meet her brother, and another family member too but ive been asked to be discreet and i am going to honor that request. i had a very great time. i needed that very much, and it was a weekend of a lot of 'firsts'. it was an awesome weekend and i def needed it. thank you michelle, denny, chris and others.

anyhow, im back and got to go for a long bike ride with my best friend, and talk briefly with my parents and that actually went well! so its been a great weekend and im def happy about all of it. thanks all, im off for the night to get some rest! gnite.

ps a letter in response is on the way nicole, fear not!

ev

good day overall.....

Today was a good day. first though, an update. had my interview last night for a job and it would appear it went pretty damn well on the surface, now i just have to wait for a call back to see if i got the job or not. it would be nice. really nice. moving on, today was cool.

ive been feeling a lot under the weather and not really that peppy or energetic. it was a long weekend and i did a lot of stuff mostly outside fun physical stuff but not enough to make me THIS tired. today was great because i took the sleeping meds im on and just relaxed. i literally slept most of the day away but still got all the little errands i had to do done. so that was nice.

im out side now doing something else i really love quite a bit, working on my laptop, sitting on the deck in the beautiful night air and listening to my ipod. great way to spend the evening. so all in all, another decent day on the books. might even go for a run later. who knows? im feeling ambitious at the moment. later everybody.

ev

Now Playing:

Now Playing: Blue October ------ Hate Me

Sometimes the smallest of victories can be the biggest of things.....

Its not often i have good news to write about. today was a good day. i wont talk too much about it. im afraid to because i feel like if i do, i will ruin it. but still, it was nice to have a good day. it really was. i had a good day with michelle. that hasnt happened much lately, and i really needed that. i really needed her today, and i think she sensed it. it was nice. she gave back to me today and i desperately needed her. ive missed her so much and we have not been good lately.

i got to sleep in today, even after not feeling great last night after clubbing, but i still got rest. i woke up to her text messages and that was a good way to start the day. it got better when i got news of the job front finally getting somewhere. i have a lot of really great opportunities and it seems like its starting to finally pay off , all the work ive put in anyway. i hope so. i have so much left to do and start doing. i need to get that going. and i need to get ready for school. im ready for that more than anything else in my whole life.

and to be able to give good news to the people around me is awesome too. thank god. its about time. im tired of feeling like such a failure and a disappointment to everyone who is important to me. especially mom and dad and michelle. i feel pretty worthless and its finally starting to seem like maybe things might get better but we will just wait and see before i say that for sure. but its nice to see hope. i havent had any of that for a long long time, and its hard to live a life that is hopeless.

it was special to spend the day with her and to have a good day. i needed that and i think that she did too. its a start i guess, a small incrimental tiny little positive step in the right direction. just a very tiny, very miniscule ray of light, ray of hope. maybe i dont have to think my whole life is lost. maybe there is something to live for. i dont know yet. i havent decided. i know one thing though: i dont just want, but need, more days like today.

PS -- Special thanks to Nicole for the kind words and the genuine worry and concern. im sorry you are so scared for me. really i am. i cant help how i feel though. it means a lot that you care. it means a lot that you are thinking about it. it means a lot what you said. thank you, Nicole. Friends for ever, right? keep writing. its always great to hear from you. i missed that. for the longest time i missed that. i wish you could meet michelle. i wish you could talk to michelle, i wish you two could talk about a lot of things. maybe someday the three of us will have to sit down to coffee.

PS -- Thanks to Kitty too, for the support and friendship she gives to me. I know it must be a hard thing for my friends to watch, to see me like this and be here for me when i feel this way. it must break your hearts but you keep on giving and trying, and none of you have given up on me, even though i seem to have given up on myself. when i was busy waging war against myself you all were just trying to stop the fight. thank you, and i wont forget what you all do. you all know who you are, even though i dont name you all, but special thanks to the ones i did name.

yours truly,
me

Apathy and self doubt....

I can remember a time when nothing would stop me from following my dreams and when things seemed but a small hurdle that i could effortlessly clear. i knew back then that life takes time and that with hard work and perserverence things turn out ok. you just have to work at it, and it takes time but that ultimately those who pay their dues and work hard are rewarded. i can remember when things set me back how i would shrug them off, and find a way. find a way to keep chasing my dreams, keep trying and keep on going. i was so strong, i had such vision and i was such a great person. i was so strong for my friends and my family, and when they needed me i could always be counted on to be there. i loved that, i loved being there for them, being the one they could depend on and come to when they hurt or needed someone. most of all i loved being there for michelle, and coley. it meant a lot to me, it meant so much to me. it meant i had a purpose in life, that my life really meant something to someone and that i could use my time here to do something that really mattered.

it meant a lot because i felt as though i accomplished something. i felt as though i made a difference, not just temporarily but long term. i lived in the memories of those who i was closest to and i made a difference they would remember always, and in that, was my legacy. it was what i was sent here to do, and i was proud to be able to do it and to be the one who was chosen to do it. it wasnt work for me, it wasnt a bother or a burden, it was a privilege, and it was an honor.

all of that is forgotten now, and all of that is simply in the past and has faded to barely remembered memories of people who i rarely see and barely know anymore. i feel so empty. i feel so purposeless. i do have school and i am determined and motivated for it. i am. im really looking forward to it.. i dont know about anything else though. i just dont care very much. apathy is the word that springs to mind. i just dont know and i just dont care very much anymore. i miss her already so much that my heart is shattering into a million pieces like a crystal vase fallen from the table to shatter on the floor, the peices scattering far and wide, impossible to put back together.

i realized something last night when i left her house. i realized that no matter what i did, said or how long i waited, it didnt matter. it didnt make any difference, the outcome was the same. its over. she is gone, and i am alone again. whatever she is hanging on to isnt there. whatever i am hanging onto has been gone for a long long time, and im kidding myself to think otherwise. its just over. theres no point in even hoping anymore. its best if i just dont return her calls, answer her texts. i guess i should just let go. whats the use in not? nothing is gonna change. she doesnt know what she has, and she doesnt want what could be. she keeps drilling it into my head right people wrong time, but you know what? thats a lie. if it was meant to be it would have been. its not, and so it wont. i cant stand by and watch my heart break all over again. shes broken it so many times you cant tell it was ever whole. not that it ever was anyway.

it took five long painful lonely sad years to bring myself to let Faith go. it took all that time to let her go and know that she wasnt coming back, that that gravestone was real, and i was on my own. for good. it took five long difficult years to get past what happened, and to finally be able to try with someone else, and the worst part is that i fell in love with someone who could not possibly understand what i have to offer or what we could have been. i had everything i ever wanted right in front of me, but the girl of my dreams isnt able to recognize what i could be, how she feels about me, or what to do about it. all the things that make for happy endings in a movie, that make the fairy tale story so wonderful, dont matter this time, and for me, they never will.

im tired. im so tired. ive had far more than my fair share of disappointments, and i want to keep trying but i just cant do it. i dont know how to look past all the things that have happened to me and to see what might be waiting. to be honest i dont care either. really, i meant that. im sure you dont beleive me but its true. the feeling i have is that the next one waiting for me to fall in love with is a waste of time too, because the outcome never changes. the only waiting for me down the line, down the road, is another disappointment and another broken heart. forget it. i dont want it. ive already been there and done that, thank you, and i will pass.

so i guess this is my time to say what i need to say and just say the words and put them out there for all to see, and to be free of it. Good Bye Michelle. Good Bye and Good Luck, i hope you find what you are looking for. I love you and i will miss you very very much.

sherm

A Song Can Mean More Than Just Words......

Fort Minor Where'd you go??

Not a single song, not a single phrase could say it any better than this song does. its exactly how i feel. i really do feel like the song. i dont know why it hits me so hard, touches me so deeply, why i feel the way i do about this song. i only know that i do. its how i feel. it says a lot of the things ive wanted to say for a long time. i dont know why i hold on to her, why i wait around, why i try so hard, why i give so much, why i work so hard, why i do what i do. i dont know why. i guess because i love her. and i do love her. really and truly. love is a terrible awful thing when it becomes a prison you cant escape from, when it becomes a burden, a cross to bear. love can be such a beautiful thing, and love can be the cruelest and most hurtful thing in this whole world too.

"Where'd You Go?"

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbecue up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once and a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it...

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...

another wonderful day....

I dont know why i bother any more. really. nothing gets better. nothing ever changes. you know i seem to remember dating another girl who didnt appreciate what she had until it was gone, but what can you do?

I wish i could sit here and right something happy. i wish i could sit here and tell you things are getting better, that there was some hope, but the fact of the matter is, i dont beleive that. i dont beleive in hope or happy endings any more. some people have them and im sure they happen all the time, but what i DO beleive is, some people ARE NOT MEANT for happy endings. some people are meant to die young. some people are meant to not be happy. some people are not meant to live out there dreams. some people are not meant to do great things. some people are meant to suffer. some people are meant to hurt and be hurt. some people are meant to lead quiet and often desperate lives, little noticed by anyone and mostly unappreciated and for the most part rarely missed.

i mean it when i say i wish i could write something happy for a change. i dont do that. not any more. even when things go right, i hold my tongue and i stay silent because i know that it will not last. even when things go right or go well, i remain silent because i know that soon it will all have been a lie, and that the bottom will have once again fallen through giving lie to the happy things i said and thought only a short time before. things dont work out for me. i like to think that maybe someday they will but in truth, i dont beleive thats really the case. i beleive, in my heart of hearts, that in the end, things will not work out and that whatever happiness i find is destined to leave me. the only happiness ive ever found was fleeting and for the most part illusory. Faith was different, but then Her life ended way too soon too, and once again i was left alone.

What has changed? nothing. every time i beleive that it could work out with someone, i always turn out to be wrong. i know that what im looking for is the right things, the right person, but i guess its not something that is meant to happen. to have been given so many opportunities and so many times to have it all taken away again just tells me i should stop and quit putting myself through all this. a marine friend of mine once joked to another friend from seal team six "whats the difference between hope and false hope? answer: nothing!" i think that says it all. im tired of living the lie, beleiving one day it will happen. im tired of thinking things will turn around. im tired of thinking this girl will come to her senses and appreciate what she has and realize what we are and what we could be if she could commit. im tired of thinking maybe someday in the future when i have more to offer. im tired of thinking maybe someday i will HAVE something TO OFFER. i doubt that i will. im not sure i will be around that much longer. im not sure i WANT to be around that much longer. somedays i just think its all a waste of time to even get up and try any more.

now i know what you are thinking, this is all about her. well, its not. not even close. not even close. every single aspect of my life has completely fallen apart, and i have no idea how to rebuild my life, how to pick myself up off the ground and to start to climb back to what i had. i just dont know and i just dont care. i dont know if i want to do the work i dont know if i would rather not just stop altogether and not wake up. i really have a feeling only a few people would even really miss me. im sure steve would, and ben and ted. outside of that, i really have a hard time beleiving i would really be missed. i bet occasionally i would cross a few more peoples minds, surely my parents would miss me some, but on the whole, my being gone would not affect all that many people all that greatly. with all the good ive tried to do in my life, with my life, thats a really hurtful thought too. ive given so much and i feel so un appreciated and i feel so valueless. i feel like my life has been for nothing, that i have accomplished nothing.

i really do not know where to go from here or what else to say. the only thing i am looking forward to is the start of classes. it will provide me with a WELCOME distraction and things to keep my busy and focused. i need that. i need something else to dwell on, something to fill up the emptiness in my life. my life is terribly empty and i feel worn out. the emotional well has run dry, and i really no longer have a lot of reserves left. i am not as strong as i used to be. i am not as ok as i used to be. i no longer have the faith i once had, and in more ways then one. not just Her, but my faith in life, in people, in god, in destiny or fate, in anything. i dont beleive anymore. i dont have any reason to beleive any more.

so as i write this, i sit here reading her text message and once again ive made her really happy, and she misses me so, and she is smiling and happy and on her way to bed and couldnt wait to tell me she was home safe and wanted me to be the last person she talked to today, and cant wait to see me tomorrow, which is wonderful, but how long will that last? how long before she changes her mind and once again is plagued by the same old indecision that she always is? how long before she breaks my heart all over again? i dont know. soon i guess. it doesnt matter.

i sit here and i think to myself the only thing in my life that really matters right now, really makes ANY difference in my life, will be SCHOOL. i cant WAIT to go back to class and to be going full time again is a dream come true. and even with a focus, a major i LIKE a PURPOSE again, but im scared i will fail. im scared i will not do well and that i will screw this up. still, atleast i am focused on this, and atleast it is something real and tangible i can hold in my hand and really dedicate myself to, and its best of all something that if i really put in more and more effort and time i will get more and more back from it. this is just what i need and even if i have nothing else in my life that makes me happy any more, atleast i have this.

well every one, im done ranting for the night. ive said my peice and got my self pity out of the way for a while again, and tomorrow is coming and i have a lot to do. not that i want to. my life isnt fun anymore. my life doesnt have any real joy any more, just obligations and promises to keep.

Life sucks, then you die.....

Ok, so yeah, its been forever since i blogged. ive been busy fucking up my life. It is after all, what i do best. Whats my problem you say? how bad can it be you say? well heres my chance to let it all out, to let it flow, so i will.

i had a job. i had a good job, that paid the bills that was relatively satisfied with. i did something stupid, and made a simple mistake and now i have no job. that was a while ago, so as a result i have no money.

i have a great apartment. i have a great apartment i can not afford so i am moving out and breaking my lease. i have no choice. so i have lost my job, my savings, and my roof over my head.

i was seeing the greatest girl in the world, and i considered myself to be the luckiest guy in teh world to have her in my life. as i sit here now, writing this, i am still seeing her and she she is seeing me but pist off at me and sick to death of me. we are at each others throats and on each others nerves and shes 'hanging out' with some other dude for the nite. im thrilled. im thrilled to the point id like to eat the business end of a large caliber pistol. id like to break down and cry my eyes out. id like to get piss drunk.

im trying to go back to school and im getting things setup to register sometime within the week. its been absolutely hell trying to get it setup and run down all the things i need to do to get ready just to register!!! its ridiculous the bullshit i have to deal with. you know though, if i just knew that things were gonna work out with her, i would be ok. truth of the matter is, i dont think its gonna and not a goddamn thing in my life i have worked so hard to have, do i even still have. i have lost every single thing i have worked for, everything i have worked my whole adult life to build, to have, to get, to be. its all gone and i dont know how to get it back, and even if i did, i dont think it could happen to me. quite frankly good things do not happen to me. atleast, not for long. as far as im concerned, good things happen but they never last. thigs arent meant to be good for me. i am not meant to have a happy ending. the only happiness i have ever known has been fleeting and temporary, even with her. its not her fault. for whatever reason she wants something else. not ready, not the right guy, i dunno what. does it matter??? the results are the same. i watched Lisa Cheat, Faith Die, and Now im watching Michelle Walk Away and Shatter My Heart Into a Million Pieces. And im watching it happen after everything else i have worked for has already been taken away.

SO...... you think your life sucks?? live a day in my shoes, and get a taste of my life. Id trade you places. hell, i dont have anywhere else to be, and no one would even miss me i dont think.

goodnite everybody. hope you are all better off than i am.

sherm

lately......

Now Playing: The Sundays -- Static & Silence

hey everybody, how are you all? i hope this post finds everyone well. ship and his wife had the baby and dillon is doing well, thats awesome. its great to get good news for a change. all is well with my fam too. friends are all cool, which is nice. work is going reasonably well, and i ve made it through one of the holidays this year, i dont count halloween cause that one is fun. i genuinely like that holiday. the rest of them are just so tough to get through. its a little easier this year knowing im not the only one missing someone. my heart goes out, for someone to lose their mother has got to be the most difficult thing in the world, and has got to fill fill her with a deep hurt i can def imagine. i do know how she feels. my heart goes out to her, and maybe i can find a way to atleast help her through it, take her mind off of it for a short while, make her smile, something.

its sunday again, and its just a depressing day. its rained all day, nothing exciting happened, and basically i have been sitting here just thinking about everything and coming up with only sad thoughts, only memories of the past, and i cannot think of the future in anything but a forelorn way today for some reason. the mood of the day is sadness. with that said, i think its been ok today. its a day to reflect , relax and review the world and all that has happened, all the changed that have come to pass, all the people that have made an impact on my life. there are many and in many many ways, really its been a profound year. it has started to change me and shape me again in to another person than i was even at the beginning of this year. i like the changes that are taking place overall, we are all growing with time and becoming who we are meant to be. its the natural way of things. but days like this are special, because on days like today, you see the sad, and the tragic and you come to terms with it, and it makes you a stronger, deeper person. atleast i think so. i hope so. i hope that it was not all in vain, that it means something, that the scars bring character, that the pain brings wisdom and understanding, that the time that goes by makes the memories more and more treasured.

i would hope so. i would hope so. maybe thats the theme of the day, hope. maybe we are meant to see the hard things in our lives, and to find hope in the future, and maybe even in them. i dont have all the answers, im just a guy trying to make his way in the world, to find happiness in it, and to make as many people around me happy as i can. its a damn difficult thing to set out to do, knowing that you cannot make everyone happy, or be everything to everyone, but trying is a noble thing, and to be a great, and kind, and thoughtful friend, maybe husband someday, boyfriend rightnow to the people like my friends, to the girl in my life, to the people i see everyday and the people i meet in the course of an average day who i will never meet again. but to go on and be who we are, to do what we do, inspite of what ever is on our minds, i guess is what its all about, i guess its what today is about too. i dunno. im rambling. i feel like dawson trying to write joey a letter. i do. i just cant get my words to translate to the keyboard, and i just cant get it all typed out. it doesnt matter though. well everyone, im gonna sign off for the night. ive excercised my demons for now and my heart isnt really in writing any more. so anyhow, im signing off for a while. laters, everybody. stay safe, stay happy, treat each other good. you never know when you wont get another chance to say im sorry.

ev

just an ordinary day......

some days are just plain ordinary. nothing out of the usual, different or exciting happens. days like that are so routine they go almost un noticed, and tend to fade away as soon as they go by, and suddenly its been a week a month a year of ordinary days.

today was just such a day. work was good, jerry lowe and brandon helped out with my one additional outlet job. thank god, could really use the help on that one. went well, but they are pro's so its a wash. all in all, it was a good day. nothing too outrageous, a great route, in my home area, sunny warm day, nice people all around, and not so much work you are overwhelmed. it was a nice day. a nice ordinary day.

work was good but i wish id of had time to wash the van. and put gas in it. save me having to do it monday but oh well. you cant win em all and it will get done. i need to do a few tool-related issues too.

its october and another holidy is almost here. i cant help but think something is missing. well, someone. fourth halloween without Faith here. she will be missed, always. yep, you guessed it, the now playing sign reads 'Dido--- Life for Rent'. i remember when i heard eminem's song with her doing background vocals to her song thank you, i wondered who it was and Faith knew. she gave me her copy of the CD, and bought me my own later on for my birthday. i still have both. she left me her copy by accident before she got on the plane to NY. i still treasure it.

the holidays are always a bit sadder when theres an empty seat at the table. she will be remembered. that reminds me, i still need to go get candy to hand out. wonder if mom and dad will sit out with me to to do it this year or if they will just leave me at the door to do it? hahaha, well it doesnt matter much. its fun for me either way. the kids always get so excited for this holiday and costumes are great. halloween is one of the best holidays there is.

wonder if dad is gonna work on the basement tomorrow? might be nice to get a chance to use my new stanley hammer. went out and finally bought the one ive wanted for a while now. over a year. im gonna be a bit irritated if i dont get to hammer something tomorrow. its a really nice hammer and i cant wait to try it out.

cant wait for tony pham to get back in town. jerry is looking forward to seeing him again too i know, and trent L is telling me we gotta call him when tony gets in. trent wants to take tony out partying. i told him id work on tony and see what happens. have to talk to eudaily and jimi d too. been too long since the group got together for a get together. maybe movie night, or pizza night is in order for everyone again? id like to get something planned. i sure do try. everyone of em is good people and its fun to get together. shipman and holcombe too. i know im leavin out others but they know who they are, im sure. and if not, a thousand pardons kind sirs. i will add an amendment later.

to all you guys out in iraq, my buds, my friends, stay safe, keep the faith, and keep on doin' us proud. the flag is up on the van and the stickers are back. if i ever find the fuckers who stole my support the troops stickers im gonna kill em. steve i hope you guys enjoy the bacardi, find some coke, too damnit! dont drink that shit straight! enjoy and make it last. i will send you another fifth soon. and some more goodies too. take care, and make it back safe you guys.

gonna start running again. i need to get back in shape again. i miss that. i need to pick up new dumbells too. not sure its in the budget but i need em just the same.anyhow, i think im gonna sign off for a while, and go re fill the growler. i would like to have a beer tonight, and since i dont work tomorrow, i can. later everybody, take care and i will write more soon.

me

old memories never fade away.....

hey all, lately ive been exceedingly busy and i know i have been re miss in how much or little ive written here. havent been able to really get my thoughts down enough to put them into words. ever feel that way? so much going on you just can express it??? its been the way of it, lately. been busy with dad's basement. jeff (my brother in law, but more like a brother), dad and i did almost all the framing, gotta get the drywall and stuff done, still gotta do the electric and run the cable and such. mom and the dog are good. that dog is so precious. i swear he and i are a lot alike. cutest little yorkie ever. been a mild fall, thank god. they say its gonna be a mild winter and that would be great news too. im healthy if somewhat disapppointed that this summer didnt yield all the things i had hoped for. but what can you do? ive had a lot of great things happen this summer so it goes on the books as a success. work is good. looking into other lines of work, dangerous ones overseas. the resume is coming along. getting ready to undergo the obligatory security clearance background check. its a big step, going for this, im not sure im ready but i have to get on with life somehow and trips to certain places hurt more than they help and maybe going away is just what the doctor ordered. i dunno. i rarely have the answers to important questions. i used to have all the answers, used to know it all. now i feel so lost, especially when making important decisions. i always feel as though ive made the wrong one later on, as though i should have seen it but knowing i could not have. we will see. tony pham is back this weekend. thatll be fun. gonna see if jerry wants to do anything and get together with tony and what not. maybe eudaily can roll out and join us too. thatd be fun, and jim and miss of course. and if ship can find some time but thats hard with two little ones and on call. still itd be nice and im hoping.

i had a lot of jobs this week, truck rolls scheduled to me, out in taylor ridge. WOW, does THAT bring back memories. my god. i have to say, i have a lot of memories of that town and it is so bitter sweet. until last week it had been almost nine years since i last was in that town and it hasnt changed at all. only i have changed, and my reasons for being there. i cant help but think back, and i cant help but remember. i had a disconnect right next door to brandy's house. god to think all those years ago. i wonder how she is doing. i really do. i think about that almost everyday. its a strange thing but we never had any chance to really say what we felt before her parents ended things. that was so unfair and it was not right. few things hurt worse than us having to walk away from each other like that. it was one of the hardest things ever in my adult life, and i had just started to be an adult then. i wasnt ready and neither was she but it still should have been our decision. i loved brandy adams, and i am as sure as the sun will rise that she loved me too. it might have been just a first love, but damnit it was ours and it was the real thing.

as i drove out there i was flooded with all the memories of times with her in her car or our group of friends coming back or going to some where out there on turkey hollow road, memories of edgington, memories of rock ridge, memories of dances long past, memories of hurrying from work to be there in time and damnit the flowers arent as nice as i wanted them to be, memories of the pictures i dont have anymore cause they got lost three moves ago, memories of a really great girl who i really was so harsh to in the end. i wish i could see her just one more time to tell her im sorry, that i am so sorry, that i was so wrong, that i only acted so mean because of how hurt i was and how stupid and immature i was. and that it didnt change how i felt, didnt mean i didnt love her, that no matter what happened i will always be in love with her to some degree and that i will always always look back and remember. she taught me how love is sposed to be and i owe her so much. i just wish i could tell her what i should have told her so many years ago.

as i worked out there, i wanted to walk over next door, to see if her folks still lived there, to see if anyone was home, but i didnt. i didnt feel i owed it to them, i owe it to her. and i cant tell you how guilty i felt standing there on my ladder strapped to that strand of wire. i sat there for what seemed an eternity, and just looked over at that empty back yard remembering us and all the memories of her and i and all her family and our friends, and so many other things. its hard for me to work that area now. with this job i will be out there from time to time, and i knew that when i took this job. but i never thought in a million years id be this ..............................that it would hit me this hard to be in that sleepy little town in the middle of all the corn. god i miss her and god i miss how life was back then, a high school senior with a crappy job and no money and the greatest girl in the world and a hot car and everything in the world going for me. god i had it all. those were the best memories. i miss that time in my life. it reminds me of a song, and the song reminds me of her and those times, Brandy Adams from taylor ridge and rockridge high. you guessed it, the song is playing that reminds me of her and that time in our lives. im sure shes long over it, its long past us. im sure of it. im sure she looks back and i am a jerk. but hey maybe thats true. maybe i have that coming. i swore that day we ended id never talk to her. i was so cold and so mean. that was the biggest mistake of my entire life. ive made many, and ive evaluated them all, learned from each and every one of them, and i am a much better person for it. but that one. ...........that was the most foolish, by far the most costly mistake i have ever made. nothing ive ever done has cost my conscience or my soul more than that one mistake. i wish more than anything in this world but one thing, that i could see her one more time and sit down and tell her all this. i write it here, and ive written it else where more private places before, in an effort to try to get it out. maybe someday she will stumble onto this blog. maybe someday she will read these words. maybe someday she will understand and forgive. maybe someday she will understand that it wasnt her, that it was me. maybe she will understand one day just what she meant, and how important she really was to me. she was the most important thing in the world to me for a long long time. and i still care deeply for her and hope shes found a little happiness. id love to get the news shes married and happy. im certain that is so, for a girl like that almost too good to be true. but she wasnt, she is the real deal.

so without further reflection on the page, i will say the song now playing is: Vitamin C---graduation. live it love it. remember it. never forget. never ever forget. when a person you love becomes a memory, a memory becomes a treasure. and i am a very very rich man.

in other news, work is good, fam life is great. everyone is well, life goes on. just kind of a day to day thing. still waiting on my best friend to get back from iraq. we have a lot of plans and i think i may end up having to get fitted for a tux soon. looks serious between him and robyn. thats awesome though. he's about due for a little good luck too. i wont even comment on mine, but he is overdue as well so i wish him all the best with that and its good to see things going well. its awesome. i often wonder about the rest of our little group. brandy, theresa, and the other ones too. you know who you are. hey theresa, remember when you blurted out FLINK POYD??!! still funny to this day. and the night we all had dinner at rexie's before the dance???? man that was so so so long ago. everyone looked so great. that night was so fun. i was again reminded of that night and of the night i met brandy. you all were in the car, and i just hollered out at brandy and we all stopped and i dont know how or why but brandy and i connected. well something similar happened today but i will never call this number. it happened while i was at work and all i could think about was the night i met brandy. besides im not really sure this number would lead where i really want to go. but hey, it was good to remember, as if i will EVER forget. never. not a chance, not on your life.

Vitamin C
Graduation


And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real cool
Stay at home talking on the telephone with me
We'd get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends forever

So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends forever

La, la, la, la
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la
We will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends forever

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends forever

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends forever

later y'all. hope youre remembering back and thinking of somebody special now too....never forget. never forget.

update....

hey all, time is short, so i will just give you the essentials. work is good at the moment. my new supervisor is great, doing good so far.

new girl in my life, that is going well. slowly, but well. course, thats ok. nothing worth having comes easy, or worth doing is fast. you take it slow and enjoy every last moment of it. and i am. more to follow on this. wish me luck. i like this one. seems different, and thats a good thing.

wonder how tony p is doing in the big city? hope hes doing well, this will serve as a reminder to call him and get in touch to see how hes doing. hope steve is doing ok over there in the sandbox and all the other guys i know over there. you guys take care and come home safe soonest.

Coley, hope youre hanging in there. times are tough but youve always been a fighter. you know that, and so do i. hang in there, itll turn around. ;)

now for the music. now playing: Faith Hill---There You'll Be. My Faith would understand (not faith hill). and i think she would approve. i think shed approve. i can almost feel her watching over me and smiling. ever since that day i lost her, i think shes been watching over me, watching out for me. but i think Faith would approve. more to follow everybody. its late and work will come early. beleive me, i am looking forward to the next two days off too. ive got a lot of catching up to do with family and friends and i need a little me time too. and maybe a little time with K if im lucky. fingers crossed. its strange but i swear i can feel faith smiling as i write about her. i will take that as a good sign.

ev

its a great day to be my day off....

im so glad i do not have to work today. stopping by and dropping off paperwork was plenty. it was. the atmosphere is just like a monday, and i just need a little tiny break. today marks the third day off of my 4 day weekend and im loving it. turned in my paperwork from sat, and now im good to go. was only at work for 5 minutes so we's all good.

got a lot to do today. gotta maintenance and clean the mp-5n. gotta maintenance and clean the sig, gotta get ready for a bike ride, gotta road trip to dewitt. gotta clean house a little bit. anyhow, gonna be a busy day, but for right now, its nap time. ive been up since 5am on my day off and that just aint right. more later. take it easy everybody, and have a good one.

ev

hindsite is always 20/20.....

i will try to make this short and sweet, its just a thought i had. watching a movie tonight that i have not seen in a long, long time. i said that in my previous post tonight, but i had a conversation with a friend of mine that prompted this post. when i first saw this movie, i was so full of hopes and dreams. i was so young then, so optimistic, and i was deeply in love. been blessed to have been that in love twice. so this movie im talking about will always symbolize that time and those memories for me. they are treasured. sometimes you remember things so clear as day and the memories are so vivid, they never fade.

im not sure i really want to post the details, not all of them. i dont think shed like to be so famous, and i cannot blame her. this blog is mine, and mine alone and she bears no responsibility for its content and i will respect her privacy. however, im sure she will know who i am talking about because i am as sure as i am that the sun will rise tomorrow that she felt the same then as i did and remembers it the way i do. but sorry everyone, the who and the where are mine and hers alone, and i will not share. i know i know, you are curious, and i cannot help that, but i must repect her privacy and to tell you the truth, some things are so deep in the heart they must remain private. and so shall it be.

i will give only a brief few details though. i was never so excited about summer. i was so happy, so full of wonder and amazement at what the world had in store for us. everything seemed so new and wonderful and beautiful. i can remember the flowers in the preserve we went to on our first date, and how i came to find out her favorite flower was the sunfower. sonnenblume. i can remember hearing the words 'I Love You' in german for the first time. i can remember, that summer like few other times in my life. only one other person has made my life so alive, so rich and so valuable, so worth living. but that was the first time id ever felt that way. the first time i had ever been in love. truly, not puppy love. i loved her with my entire heart. i would have gone to the end of the world be with her, even if only for a little while. and i did. i did many, many times. no regrets. that summer was one of the best times of my life, and i regret that it had to end. i wish i could go back and live forever in that summer. i do. i often think about it and i often wonder at what might have been.

i can still remember her beautiful auburn hair and her pretty eyes and smile. i can remember the first time i saw her too. i will never ever forget that moment so long as i live. few moments in my life have ever been so wonderful, so terrifying, so amazing. it was magic. that year will always be one of the best years of my life, and i will always look back on it and wish it was still 1997.

george hincapie and the brand new US Postal Cycling team were challenging for a day, just one day, in the yellow jersey in france. i was a freshman in college with high hopes and dreams. i had a crummy job, a crappy car, and no money. i was so young. i was so very young, we both were. 18 years old! it seems like so long ago. and that movie came out. i will still forever think of her when i hear the name, when i see the movie, i would not, could not have seen it with anyone else. the movie i saw tonight, the movie that reminded me of all this, of the way the grass smelled when it was fresh cut, the look of the sleepy little town, every single mile of the way to her front door and back having her in my arms, the movie that reminds me of every last memory of it is 'Titanic'. well anyhow, she knows im thinking about her, and she knows how i feel. maybe it will make her feel better to remember, just the way it makes me feel better just remembering what that time was like. the way we were, the way we loved. i will never forget 1997, and i will always remember the movie titanic for that summer, and for her.

ev

interesting day.....

saw a good movie tonight. kinda strange that i would see it tonight. its been wierd like that. to be forthright, i havent seen this movie since the last time i was at a movie in bloomington normal. almost got to see it at a drive in theater, but i wasnt quite that lucky. besides, the last time i was actually at a drive in, well i didnt see a lot of the movie. you know, i still have absolutely NO IDEA what 'The Horse Whisperer' was about. yeah. no clue. missed the whole damn movie. not that i care much mind you.

somedays i feel like i am a life raft. i really do. i feel like i am here, i was put here, to help out as many people as i can. its the rare times when i get to help out someone who is special to me that i am thankful for that purpose. it would seem that a friend of mine is having a rough time of it, and i can only hope that shed let me try to help however i can. i will certainly do my best. much as she and i have been through, and its been a lot, i still care more than i know how to say. we go way way back, and thats hard to turn away from.

in other news, i still am thinking a lot about sarah. the disappointment i feel is pretty deep. i feel like the unluckiest guy in the entire world. i do. but there is another girl whos kinda dropping hints at me, and i do like her too, so i dunno what to make of it or what will come of it but i am certainly going to see what the future shall bring me. god only knows what is to come, what will pass for me or for any of us. none of us is a fortune teller, and any man who tells you he can predict the future is a liar.

still need to get on finding a roomate too. that is getting critical. especially since i am finally getting financially viable again. finally.

anyhow, i have a shitload of paperwork to do so im gonna sign off and bite the bullet. i guess. i fucking hate paperwork. i hate it.

ev

some thoughts on a random night.....

im sitting here just thinking, as i often do, and when i do that, the best way to get it out is to write. the music is going in the background (now playing is Texas -say what you want) and i just feel like writing. this may ramble on for a bit. about New Orleans, i will keep it short, just a few points. one, they all shoulda left. get out of a bad situation before it worsens if you can. second, my heart goes out to those suffering, not the miscreants making it worse. third, its nice to see the world starting to rally around us. im mad it took the world so long, but better late than never. fourth, its biblical in scale and just catastrophic. its the reason i was a disaster relief volunteer for the red cross for a while. wish i was still doing it, but too much on the plate already.

moving right along, im still thinking about sarah. i cant seem to take my mind off of what happened. i dunno what to do about that. i dont feel bad, i just feel like i am the unluckiest guy in the world. i blew some people away wednesday night when we talked and she spent the break talking to me, and then after her shift. i think the table full of ex co workers who was trying not to watch was a little stunned. i dont think any of em knew me well enough to know what i am like outside of work. i look a lot different outside of work. for one, im not covered in grime, wearing torn up clothes, and i usually get to take time to look decent outside of work. and having the prettiest, smartest, most vivacious girl in the whole place come over and sit down and spend her break with you will definitely turn heads. still, im stuck on it, cant help it. dont really know what to make of it.

looking forward to taking the bicycle and going south for tomorrow. i am. the leg work getting the bike ready is gonna be a hassle, unpacking and re packing the car will be a bitch too, but when i get there and set out, it will be worth it i think. i sooooooooooooo need an ipod. so need an ipod. bad. add to that a laptop. for the blog. yeah, right. i just want laptop but if i had one id use it to blog. see? im using the desktop for it. anyhow, moving on. again.

was good to see the family again. had fun cooking out with everybody, glad to see everyone is doing well, staying healthy except mom and dad who are a little black and blue but will recover. still cant get over my mom. wow. found out my mom drinks guinness beer the other day. i heard that, and saw the beer in her fridge and nearly fell over, thinking i'd walked into the twilight zone. but still, its pretty cool. atleast mom will have a beer with me now! haha! lol.

by the way, sixpence none the richer's re do of 'dont dream its over' is awesome. great tune. but i have to tell you, the now playing has moved onto the song simple kind of life by No Doubt. i think im gonna start to drink a little now, im in the mood. maybe dream of what coulda been.

well i think im gonna have a red bull and add something alcoholic to it, and then just kinda let the music flow and fall asleep to the beat of the drum and sound of the music. have a good nite everybody.

ev

good is good......

and bad is bad. so the song goes. i love that song too, and when the album comes out im gonna buy it. i think im gonna spend some more money and subscribe to a meeting people service. so i got to sit down and talk to sarah wednesday night. it went really well, steve and i and tony had a great time. got to smoke my first cuban cigar. a table full of ex coworkers was in there too so i got to see a lot of old friends and it was a great night. i asked her out finally, but alas, she is taken. i still got a hug outta the deal and an explanation that if i had been sooner.......if only id of been sooner. life goes on. good is good, a hug is good. too late is bad, bad is bad. oh well. life goes on right? still, its a good sign. but thats all i can really say about that. im disappointed but she was honest and i think i have a new friend. def gonna pop in and see her from time to time. so good is good, bad is bad.

steve is home on leave and i got to see him quite a bit so far. having a great time and a lot of good things are happening for him. good is good, he has earned all of it and im happy for him. i really am. work is work. good days and bad. yesterday was long and rough. but im doing better. struggling a little less every day. getting better at it, but i have a long ways to go. im too distracted with everything outside of work, as i have a lot going on. still need a roomate but thats a real hassle to find. still single, but trying hard not to be. same old same old on that front. im too picky, im just not lucky, whatever. sick of the whole deal but i know what i want and refuse to give up on those dreams. especially seeing how many of my friends are living the dream. maybe it will come in time i dunno. i try not to think about it too much, really. sometimes i succeed sometimes i fail. good is good, bad is bad.

havent found time all week to read any more of my arabic lessons. its hard stuff and im struggling with it too but i wont give up. i wanna learn this a lot. i really do. i have so many things on my mind and so many things to do on my list of to-dos. the bike is on the list too but if the weather doesnt cooperate.......tomorrow i think i will get the bike out and go for a ride. just drive to where i want to be, way way way out of town in the middle of nowhere and just ride til im sick of being on the road then turn around. i miss doing that. maybe itll take my mind off of the world around me. its not that life is bad, its not. i have a lot going for me and i know that, but im still unhappy, more to the point im still unsatisfied. there are a lot of things id like to change but feel powerless to do so. i dont have the answers to questions that nag me everyday. there are a few outlets i have, and the bike used to be one of them tell i got so busy everyday i dont have a life anymore. i miss the simplicity of the wheels going round and round and the country side rolling by. i miss the smell of cut grass and cool morning air with bright sunshine warming my skin. i miss the solitude of being the only one around in the hills for miles and miles save for the occasional cyclist doing the same thing i am. with a curt nod or wave just going by and carrying on with the ride. i miss that a lot. i miss turning the cell phone off and just leaving. just fucking leaving and being TOTALLY UNAVAILABLE. i miss it. i miss that first pedal stroke that leads to leaving everything and everyone behind, even if for a little bitty while. thats what it means to me to be a cyclist. its the greatest feeling in the world. and im not just good at it, im great at it. its something i dont share with many other people i know these days, and i like that. its one more thing that makes me unique.

think im done with a few other hobbies i have too, but thats been coming for a while. i just dont feel the same as i used to about a lot of things. my personality, who i am, whats important to me has changed, a lot. i look forward to other things now. i look for other things from life, and im in that transition stage where i am finally becoming the fully fledged adult who is more practical than fun oriented. its wierd. its strange. i feel old. i say that a lot too, but more and more i can see myself again. even in the mirror. ive always had a baby face but lately it just doesnt look the same to me. i dont feel young at heart, i dont feel carefree, i dont feel like i can live from moment to moment any more, i need a little more. looking towards making plans for the future but everything seems so vague, so ......................blank. that is something ive felt before but never to this degree. ihave this picture in my mind of how i want it to be, how id like things to go if i could pick up a pencil and paper and write my future, but i cant make it happen, only god and fate or whatever is doing it can. i can help i can try, but its not for me to decide and i know that. still, i know what id like it to be. more than anything i know. someone special, get married, raise a family, get a house, grow old and die an old man. nothing special just the average.

i keep playing this song over and over again, good is good by sheryl crow. it just rings true in my head and resonates, i cannot explain it to you all. i dunno. it just makes me think, think back, think about how i wish things had gone with certain people, and how much i wonder at what the future holds. i try to be adventurous, i do. but maybe im just trying too hard? i dunno. i always feel like i dont have any answers anymore, these days. but this song seems to make me feel a little better, i cant tell you why that is, only that it does. i play it over and over and i seem to feel less alone. alone. that is the key.

i always feel so alone. its been a while since faith died and ive made SURE i have sept 11th and sept 12th off work. yeah, you know it. im gonna be unconsolable those days. nothing can be done about it, its just the way it is. i miss her. i miss her a lot more than i ever thought i could miss someone. i miss what we had and i hope to find it again but i think and i feel like ive used up all my good luck. i feel like maybe that was my one chance, and its past me by. thats what strikes me the most about the song. but its not the only thing, its just one of the many. i dunno. what do you think? can lightning strike twice???????????????????? you tell me. id be interested to hear what you all think.

well, i have a family get together to attend so i better get going. free beer and a nice steak, so im def going. and fam too. thats the most important part, but beer is good too. anyhow, you all have a safe and fun holiday weekend. more from me later.

ev

wednesday end of august......

hmm.....been a strange day. couple days really, almost surreal. its so plain and boring and nothing happening a complete lack of drama. its weird. i feel out of place. not much going on. why do they call it wed nes day anyway wedd ness day? i mean think about it. hmph. one of lifes unsolved mysteries i guess.

by the way i forgot to anounce the 'now playing' tracks. got a good mix going and i kinda like it. it def fits in with the mood. the current track, about to end no less, is no doubt---'simple kind of life' followed by Faith Hill ---'Cry' and then Dido ----'White flag' after that and a little bit by the goo goo dolls (iris, of course) and five for fighting. im really into music today. its one of those days i just prefer for the most part to NOT be around people although i have dinner plans tonight and a certain someone will be working where we are going so i have to say i am definitely apprehensive. more than a little. maybe that explains the choice of music, but who knows? ive been known to be more than a little bit reflective, contemplative, and introverted. music is how i express whats going on with me. its the litmus test to gauge me by, my mood, my emotions, my state of mind. its the indicator. close friends know that is how to read me and if you are good at it, you can read me like a book. started a new one of those too. how to read and write arabic. i must say its challenging and im not sure i can do this but im going to keep trying till i get it.

hmmm.....apparently there is some sheryl crow and a few by the sundays and even some by mazzy star on this playlist. good stuff. id recommend the lesser known stuff by mazzy star. great for quiet alone time. dido too. actually it was Faith who turned me onto Dido. she was listening to her before dido got famous. two years before. one more little gift Faith gave me. i guess thats why this cd is one of my favorites and one of my most treasured keepsakes. but its amazing how somethings and some people in your life will forever be connected and reflected in certain songs and certain bands. its amazing how that works. nicole is goo goo dolls, faith is dido, and of course faith hill. mazzy star is someone who shall remain nameless........but you get the idea.

anyone remember that one show from way back when? party of five? i was just thinking about that too and how much i miss that show. there are only a few shows i really really like and watch religiously or really still like, and they are: Dawson's Creek, Felicity, Party of Five, and Homefront. unfortunately only two of em are still on anymore. too bad. fun to reminisce sometimes.

anyhow, ive got to get ready to meet sarah and the guys too, so im gonna sign off for the night. have a good one everybody.

ev

thursday night reflections....

its been a long day. things just didnt go very well at all today. some days youll have that and im taking it in stride, but its not over. i still have so much to do. i need to pack. i should go out and get a jump on cleaning out and re organizing the work van. i should be doing laundry right now too. i also need to go through and pack gear. i need to do a lot of things but im absolutely crashed. its been a long day and im just sitting here reflecting.

im just sitting here listening to the soundtrack to one of my favorite movies, 'Crimson Tide'. the soundtrack is truly awesome and so is the movie. since i have a lot on my mind, its a good way to focus. music helps me focus. it is a crystal clear indicator of my mood as well. its a good litmus test for seeing whats going on with me. wanna know whats up? check my music. the now playing button is displaying 'Roll Tide' and it fits. im overwhelmed but still in the game. im trying to think through the technical and tactical aspects of this up coming weekend. its going to be challenging and i know what to expect, we have good training. still, im already mulling over the what ifs, and the how to's. its only natural. that and i hate packing. and i have a few other things on my mind at the moment that are taking up valuable and limited resources too. (read below posts entitled sernedipity pts 1 & 2) atleast the weather will be on our side.

i need to sit around and relax and re charge the batteries but time waits for no man, and i have stuff to do. nobody is gonna do it for me, so i might as well get up and get to it. not that i want to.

ever feel like the road you are asked to march is just a bridge too far? yeah, i kinda got that feeling today. overwhelmed is the word i keep thinking about. i think that thinking of her is helping but in a way im kinda apprehensive about that too. i need to get on with things, friday needs to get here, and we need to get on the road. we need to disembark, make camp, and get chow. we need to assemble, get organized and get to work. maybe then i will feel better. the stress i starting to build up, and with no release the pressure is rising and i can tell. im getting short tempered and testy with people, im impatient, and i am ready to go take care of biz.

any how, other than all that garbage i just posted, life is boring. i got rained on all day, i look like i got tossed in a mud pit, and nothing worked like it was sposed to. long long day at work and so far ive had time to work and eat a little bit. i have a lot of logistics to do, and little time and precious little energy left, so i better call this one in the bag and get to it all. i will write more tomorrow maybe. doubtful but maybe. if not, youll hear from me monday. wish us 'luck, and happy hunting. more to follow.

ev

serendipity, part 2

thoughts about Sara

funny how that rhymes with Sara isnt it?

im just amazed at that day. i had given up and thought id never even know what her name was.

MatteversmanSix: did i tell you about my fortune cookie today?
deny and atrophy: no, you didn't
MatteversmanSix: your long forgotten kindness to someone will bring a substantial reward.
MatteversmanSix: the only thing i can find that puts it to words is 'Momento' by duncan sheik
deny and atrophy: it sounds nothing like the band's other stuff, but it's still a nice little track
MatteversmanSix: its amazing too, im not imagining anything bad about her, just the little stuff.
MatteversmanSix: i wonder what her laugh sounds like, i wonder what the little things she likes are, a million little questions.
deny and atrophy: tell her that sometime... i'm sure it would mean a lot to her
MatteversmanSix: and a trillion different thoughts about how it might be for each of those questions.
MatteversmanSix: i am just filled with curiosity about her, and i find myself deeply interested to learn more about who she is.
MatteversmanSix: in the literal sense of the word, im fascinated.
deny and atrophy: strange to think about how many people go about their daily business and you've got no idea
deny and atrophy: who they are, what they are like, etc
MatteversmanSix: and the suspense, the not knowing, the randomnes of this, and the endless possibilities of the little intracacies of this person, have me just as curious as i can be to find learn more. im really fascinated.
deny and atrophy: yeah
MatteversmanSix: like a huge enigma that draws me in.
MatteversmanSix: that is something else serendipitous about today. ive used the word enigma in one form or another all day a total of 7 times
deny and atrophy: and that's one of THOSE words... you just never hear it

one more little mystery i am pondering, does she spell it sara or sarah ? ? ? ? ?

Serendipity........

some days posting here seems like work and sometimes its therapeutic. i dunno. somedays i just wanna shout out to the world what happened, so this is my outlet. went out today with a friend just seeing what trouble we could get into. tony is a cool guy and we have fun when we get together. i think im a bad influence on him.

we went to the mall to window shop and i ended up hitting on a married chick. talk about embarrassing. not the end of the world but still embarrassing none the less. left the mall after being bored. went to the coffeeshop for a while and was bored there too. with nothing to do on a tuesday we decided to hit up happy hour at our local pizza joint we love. its our haunt. but i need to go into a little background here. a lot of the guys i go there with from work are bachelors. you know, like me. so we go for the waitresses and i know that sounds bad but how are you gonna meet anybody if you dont go where the opposite sex is? anyhow theres this one waitress ive been uh, hesitant to approach the last 4 times weve been there.

well we sat and sat and nursed our drinks and watched the ballgame and talked about random stuff til the pizza finally came, and it just so happens the girl ive been crushin' on brings the pizza out. so i actually kinda got forced into saying something and talking to her. didnt ask her out or anything so i kinda wussed out again but little bit at a time i guess. not often that i get nervous. im usually pretty confident. but she makes my knees wobble. i dont get rattled easy, so thats a big deal. her smile could melt ice at the north pole. but today i learned her name, and she told me to make sure we ask for her next time i come in. so thats a good sign i guess. she stood there and talked with me for ten minutes in the busiest time of the night so im kinda thinking maybe should actually take the leap of faith and ask her out, or atleast for her number. i think im gonna do that too when i get back after this weekend. work all the rest of this week, then outta town for something Govt related, than back to work monday, then out with steve monday night.

thats another thing. i am so excited my best friend is coming back from iraq. it may only be on leave and temporary, but god itll be good to see him and have him home for a little while. monday night is his nite and we are going out for steak and all the beer i can put in front of him.

i must say i am excited as hell about today. i cant stop thinking about her. tony thinks its funny. still and all, its a positive. it made my day. it truly did. i only hope that shes as flattered as i am, that it made her day too. anyhow, other than sleeping in, driving all over town looking for trouble, and drinking pepsi instead of beer with my pizza cause i forgot my id like a dumbass, its been a pretty mundane day, with the one exception. and i learned tony can kick my ass at chess. i suck. bad. but its still a fun game.

work is great i love my job. yet i do not want to go to work tomorrow. i dont. im just ending my two days off, and now i have to get up and get back to the grind and im not sure what kinda day tomorrow is gonna be. so this could suck or be a good one. who knows? im hoping its a good one. we will see. friday night is coming though. its inevitable. gotta start packing tomorrow and that is no fun. well, since i gotta drag my ass outta bed early, and since i wont get any sleep tonight i might as well sign off and atleast try to fall asleep. not that it will happen. i cant get that smile outta my mind.

gnite all, ev

oh and by the way.....

just for the record, work is going great, dating not so great. shawnacee turned out to be a....well for lack of better word a bitch. oh well, i had a feeling that wasnt going to go far anyway. life goes on. big big road trip coming up this weekend. im excited. i hope the team does well. money situation sucks. finding roomate is a pain in the ass. next week my best friend is back from iraq on leave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS FUCKING AWESOME. CANT WAIT TO WELCOME YOU HOME BUDDY, A COLD BEER AND HOT STEAK HAS YOUR NAME ON IT. fam situation is finally right again. summer is ending and i hate that but its been a decent one. other than that, life is still life, im still me, and we both go on. so everbody, keep on truckin' and thanks for reading.

ev

sick of Cindy.....

ok, this may piss a lot of people off, but you know me, and frankly, i dont give a shit.

let me start off by saying the military is filled with noble, great, hard working, deeply sacrificing people who are doing the right thing not just for us at home, but for the world. what those men and women are doing, past present and those to follow in the footsteps and todays and yesterdays heros, is truly historic and wonderfully good. they are making the world a better place.

today, Cindy Sheehan disgraced herself to the point of irredeemability. she is scum. she is no better and has cast herself in the same light as Hanoi Jane Fonda. she is a traitor. she has not just dishonored the memory and achievements of her fallen son, but she has shown what she really really is: a traitor and supporter of al qaeda, a supporter of mass murderers, a mouthpiece and media icon for cold blooded murderers, a rallying point for evil sick peices of human garbage. heres a little bit of what she said. this is taken from an article appearing today on WorldNetDaily.com:

Cindy Sheehan, the so-called 'Peace Mom' seeking a second meeting with president Bush in connection to the iraq war death of her son, says terrorists killing Americans are "freedom fighters."

She made the remark during her original trek earlier this month to Crawford, Texas, but her equating the enemy with freedom fighters has not been highlighted by the mainstream media, despite her telling it DIRECTLY to a reporter FOR CBS NEWS.

Sheehan's remarks were recorded on video by veterans for peace, a group pushing for Bush's impeachment. <--------end quote lets look at her actions a bit more closely than the mainstream media who seem to hate all that is american and all that is not politically correct. Her son volunteered to serve his country, to hunt down and bring to justice those who would do america harm, to stand alongside his fellow soldiers and do what must be done no matter the cost to himself and his friends. he proudly and bravely went where he was asked to go, and did his job. he did it to the best of his ability and so many appreciate that, and so many are free and living happily because of it. yet in his mother's eyes, he's a war criminal. he is a disappointment, he's a dupe. he's something she detests. but more than that, he is her claim to fame, her ticket to her 15 minutes in the spotlight so she can spew her vitriolic, anti american rhetoric. she is more concerned about her politics than what her son went through or tried to do. she cares more about bringing down the president and making as much strife as she can than finding the good in her son and his teammates. instead of realizing what a hero he is, she has shunned him and his memory because it doesnt agree with her politics. she has USED HIM, so that she can further her own twisted, sick hateful politics. the worst part of it is, she is putting other mothers' kids in greater danger as they stand in harm's way. yet inspite of that, she could not care less. it gives her more ammunition to spew forth even more garbage.

Cindy Sheehan is a DISGRACE. you dont think so???? ask her family. seriously. you dont beleive me, hey, i couldnt care less. its a free country. but remember, the family actually released a statement condemning her actions, declaring they DO NOT SUPPORT HER OPINIONS OR ACTIONS and feel EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE. they feel she is deliberately smearing casey, and all others like him. in fact, her husband is so sick of her, disgusted with what shes doing, and anguished, he is divorcing her. still think im off the mark???

Cindy Sheehan, the average joe has a word of advice for you: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU WORTHLESS TRAITOROUS PIECE OF SHIT! failing that, give abu musab al zarqawi a call. i think he is looking for a new press secretary. you fucking bitch.


ev

simply un american.

let me start off by giving my own opinion on something that has long pist me off and had me simmering with hate and rage. lets talk about the most UN-american organization in America. lets talk about the ACLU. lets talk about how they oppose EVERY SINGLE EFFORT our government and its military and police officers have done and are doing, or for that matter will ever do, to keep us safe. they only give a goddamn about terrorists, their ability to abort fetuses at will, and other assorted dirty little sins they support violently. im sick to fucking death of the ACLU and i wish to god some lawyers with morals, some citizens with balls, and government itselt would stand up and fight back against the single greatest Domestic threat to america there is. the ACLU is the biggest internal enemy there has ever been. Osama Bin laden could not have a greater ally.

whats that? an ally? yes. its real simple folks. not 4 weeks after the first bombing in london, NYPD are searching passengers who may be likely bombers trying to replicate in detail the london attacks here in NY. How does the ACLU respond???????????? By suing to prevent those searches.

The fact is, the ACLU cares more about the terrorists rights to Kill You than they care about your lives. Think about that for a second. They would rather not be searched on the subway than deal with Al Qaeda. They would rather see you KILLED or HORRIBLY MAIMED than have a homicide bomber searched.

the fucking ACLU needs to be attacked legally, morally, politically, and in the media. the ACLU needs to be recognized for the Enemy Agents they are.

I have one thing to say to the Enemy Agents of the ACLU: I hope when the bombs go off in the subway, ITS YOUR KIDS, YOUR WIVES, YOUR HUSBANDS, YOUR PARENTS, YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS BLOWN TO PIECES. Maybe then Youll Fucking 'GET IT' !!!! Id like to see Al Qaeda never pull off any operations in America or anywhere in the world ever again. But the fact is, the actions of the ACLU are not merely making it possible, they are making it PROBABLE that it WILL happen. I hope WHEN it happens, as i do beleive it will, That the ACLU will finally feel the loss and understand what it has done. Sadly, i think no such realization will ever happen. i think they WANT it to happen because they think america is evil and deserves it. I do not share that opinion. i feel the opposite. i lost someone close on that black september day, and i know personally how it feels to go through what i have talked about. And id like to thank the ACLU for paving the way for Al Qaeda to continue to murder tens, hundreds, thousands of americans. May every one of you who fund, support, volunteer for, aid, or abet the ACLU pay for your sins in the afterlife. im sure your reward will be fitting.

Now, just to make things clear, i do not wish for any terror event to take place. my dream is that soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen will systematically eradicate them from the earth. however, if something should happen, i hope the people of the ACLU feel the loss the most, suffer the most, and reap what they sowe more so than anyone else. they have truly earned it. If you make a deal with the devil, dont be surprised at the results, for there will surely be hell to pay.

ev.

moving sucks.

so im done moving my stuff. now for the other fun part: unpacking. yeah, loads of fun. right up there with an unpleasant doctor's visit. you know, the one where you meet his thumb. the cable is setup, the puter is up and running again finally. now i just need to actually re assemble and dress the bed. i swear it looks so ghetto to live on a mattress. but we are getting close.

sposed to go out with shawnacee tomorrow. looking forward to it. should be a lot of fun. the fair always is. gonna get to meet her son, too. im kinda excited about that, but a little nervous. i dont have any kids of my own so im unsure what to do or anything like that, but im looking forward to it too. shes pretty great and im sure hes a lot like his mom. thats not a bad thing, beleive me.

ok its recognition time again. id like to say thanks to: Tony Pham, Ben Weyer, Sara & Jeff. you guys are awesome. thank you so very very much for all the generous help you gave in moving me out of the old place to the new one. you guys were invaluable and i really appreciate it. it was awesome. it went smoothly, it was actually halfway fun, and it was quick and painless. thanks again, i really appreciate it.

more good new!!! no sarcasm this time! best friend is home from iraq on leave soon!!! less than three weeks, gonna be awesome. he will have more beer to drink than he can possibly and a great steak dinner. my treat. itll be good to see him home if only for a while. ok well, ive got a lot of unpacking to do, so i better sign off. more later. been a long crazy week so far and im sure itll keep going too. more to follow, i will keep you up to date.

ev

Timing is everything.......

well, i guess while i was busy moving, leaving my fone on the counter was a bad decision after all. i missed the call from shawnacee and when i called back, i got the machine. i hate machines. so as usual, my timing is perfect. that there is my trademark sarcasm. in any case, im sorry i missed the call, shawnacee. time to play some music, turn out the lights, and try to ward off the nightmares that are a nightly thing sometimes. especially now that september is almost here. that reminds me i need to put in for the 12th of off. gnite all, more from me tomorrow.

long day and a long nite too.

so i worked yesterday, and had a pretty good day. with the exception and clarification that whatever went wrong was because i was dumb not because me workday was crappy. getting heat stroke was my own fault and was caused by my own stupidity. id like to thank nathan nicky and bob hoffman for the help i got yesterday. that job on blackhawk road was a serious pain in the ass, but all told it was done pretty fast. thanks guys.

had a date last night, and it went great. had a lot of fun. i think it was pretty funny that mindy pysson couldnt stop staring at me at jacks, and i think the band at Bent River wasnt that great but they tried hard. the sound guy needed to be fired, really he sucked bad and pretty much ruined the show. but the beer was good, and i was out with two chicks having a good time too so that really was a pretty good nite. looking forward to seeing her again, and i think she is too.

there is another matter i need to address too, and i have been busy and neglecting it a lot. a lot of my friends, one in particular, have made a lot of sacrifices to be the people they are, and to allow us to be the people we are. soldiers give up an awful lot to serve, and they are truly amazing. the service they provide, the things they do for us, are so amazing. truly each and every one of em are heros, they really are. right now, my best friend is over in Iraq putting his life of hold, serving his country. so are a lot of other guys i know, but steve is the one i wish was home the most. dont get me wrong i wish they were all back home, but they know and i know too that they have business to attend to. they are doing a damn fine job, an exemplary job if you ask me, under very difficult trying circumstances and conditions. they are doing us proud and id like to take this opportunity to give some much deserved praise to those men and women and to say stay safe, have fun where you can, and make it back soonest. theres a steak and plenty of booze waiting for you when you get here steve.

alright its getting late in the morning and almost afternoon, so i gotta get up and moving. its almost time to start moving boxes to the new place. have a great sunday everybody.

ev

long day.....

i woke up this morning early to go look at an apartment. the landlord was late and i had to work. seeing it didnt have central air, i told him i didnt want it. that and because he couldnt bother to show up on time after insisting on doing it this soon and that early. not gonna be a good landlord. i refuse to live with a slumlord as a landlord. fuck that. moving on, i woke up and knew today was gonna suck. i could just tell, im sure youve had days like that too. so that was the start. so i came home for the twenty minutes between that and work and turned on fox news like i do every morn. its the only news show i can tolerate.

i must say, it was a revelation what i saw. brittian has started to get serious about the war on terror. it finally appears that the phenomena of sept 11th has reached great brittian and they too have had enough. i saw a mad bomber trapped like the cowardly rat he was in his flat in london. i saw police after him like a wolf clawing at a rabbits hole. i saw brittish special forces (the legendary SAS themselves) show up in a bmw SUV and suit up and go in and take care of business. but more than just watching it. the SAS is a VERY secretive lot. they are the best in the biz of counter terror and hostage rescue. such men do not seek publicity, yet they stood RIGHT IN FRONT of a live camera, suited up, and walked to the gunfire to take care of business. this was a STATEMENT from the brittish government and the brittish army. if you murder people here, you will recieve no mercy. if you are a terrorist, and you kill innocent people, we will hunt you down and kill you or capture you. period. and we will do it PUBLICLY and without a second thought, and we will do it anywhere in the world. bravo to the boys from hereford, and the lads at the yard. well done.

watching the london raids on tv this morn was simply amazing. watching the SAS involved, publicly, was the most telling thing ive ever seen.

but moving on to more mundane things, work sucked. routing made life miserable, and i am feeling the after effects right now. im thrashed in a big way, and i have to go back for round two tomorrow. needless to say i am dreading it and really worried that i will not get done on time and will have to postpone my date with shawnacee. if that happens i am really gonna be pretty disappointed and pist off at my job. so wish me a good day tomorrow, i sure could use some good luck. that and i really really like this girl, ive been thinking about this nite out all week non stop. im pretty excited about it. im overdue for someone great to come into my life and its about time that happen. so needless to say, i got my fingers crossed.

packing is done. just gotta move tuesday. so itll be really really nice to have a break you know? sunday i can stay home and relax. i can just sit down and read a book or go for a milk run bike ride ( an easy one) drink a beer maybe. have company, who knows? the point is it will be nice to relax and un wind from a LONG long two weeks. itll be the first day in two weeks i will have had to myself. im looking forward to that too.

well im beat, im hungry and im sick of looking at the screen so im gonna sign off. wish me luck tomorrow nite!

ev

looking up.....

well the roomate thing is finally settling out. atleast i have options and most of them are good. its nice to not be so limited and all. i mean, c'mon, who likes to eat a big shit sandwich? answer: nobody. sorry, that was definitely a captain obvious moment. like it wasnt obvious that no one in their right mind likes to eat a big proverbial shit sandwich. duh. anyhow, its nice to have a little alone time. my roomate is at the new place we have to share til we both find seperate dwellings. im thinking im gonna do a one bedroom A-L-O-N-E and im looking forward to it. although its proving a real bitch to find one with central air in my price range and i aint gonna go without central fucking air. its the one luxury i refuse to not live without. but im getting roomate offers for the other place too. i may just ride the storm out and stay and when my fucktard of a roomate goes, i may have a nice place really cheap and just deal with roomates but im leaning against that idea. the idea of walking around naked without pissing somebody off is suddenly appealing. cant explain it. or maybe its just the idea of getting to do whatever the fuck i want when i want without criticism or dealing with idiots who cant seem to be responsible with my stuff that appeals to me. but hey, you get the general idea.

cant wait for sat night. shawnacee and i are going out. that will be pretty cool. ive gotta say i have been looking forward to it all week, and its def been whats keeping me balanced and able to deal. it wont be a pressure thing, we both are really interested in each other, and i think itll be a lot of fun. and who knows? maybe something crazy will happen and itll be a really great night instead of a really fun night. like one of those nights everyone involved looks back and says, "remember that time when we were all out at such and such ??? that was awesome!" so who knows. but i like her and i think we are onto something here.

got other things on my mind. the livefire drill is coming up and i need to be rested, focused and a fucking lert. guns and real live bullets in real live situations where people can get hurt dont mix well with half asleep daydreaming people. bad combo. plus if i dont re qualify, i will be letting the team down and thats really a terrible thing to do. you just dont let your teamates down, period.

in other news, nice to see matt clement ok. that baseball hit him going over a hundred miles per hour. im glad hes ok and best wishes to him and his fam. and its kinda wierd to think that lance is retired now. i still havent gotten used to the idea. hes given us so much, and it seems wierd that he wont be back on the racing circuit next year. that man is truly a hero, and one who deserves to be thought of as a hero. a great dad, a great man, a great athlete, a cancer survivor, and someone whos done so very much to help so very many other people, especially fellow cancer er, not victims, but patients. live strong, and wear yellow. on that note, i will sign off for the nite.

remember,

Live Strong, Wear Yellow.

Thanks for everything Lance, best wishes for the future.


ev

testing

just a test post, everybody.

my first blog

hey all. i hope life is better for you all. really i do. ever get the feeling that once you start to get things going your way, life or someone in your life always has to feel the need to fuck it all up, just for you? yeah, these last two weeks its been my deadbeat, asshole, know it all, drug addict brother. the one my parents refuse to take to task, the roomate who is all about fucking everyone over but himself.

well the car is broken, my job is going well but it doesnt pay enough, especially since i have landed a smoking hot girlfriend recently and now that im poor that just looks great. definitely helpful in relationship building. really. sarcasm is my way to deal. not to mention dealing with credit issues, and finding a place to live cause i need a roomate or have to find a one bedroom apartment i can find on my own. beleive me im looking. i cannot wait to tell my asshole brother to fuck off.

hearing about some of the guys maybe getting to come back from the sandbox early is nice too. i support those guys to no end, i beleive in what they are doing, stand for and a helluva lot of em are close friends, and i cant wait to have em back. for sure i will then have a roomate. it will be one i actually like too.

still dont wanna go to work tomorrow either. dont get me wrong. i like the job and i like my coworkers but im distracted by this family drama, roomate drama, money drama, and all kinds of other drama. plus who wants to go to work outside at a physical job carrying and climbing ladders and wearing and carrying tools in the 100 plus degree heat?

for all of you who came here and didnt wanna sit through a bitch fest, i apologize sincerely. this is my moment to vent. and somehow, i think all of you can probably relate in some way shape or form. thank god for close friends and fam though. atleast some of my fam is worth a damn.

but hey tomorrow is a new day, im employed, and things will get better. much better. i will find an apartment with out a dead beat no good roomate, the chick will stick by me cause shes cool like that, and money will flow again. itll work itself out. its like that song by coldplay, everything's not lost. i just gotta keep thinking it, and keep working on it and things ll turn out alright. right?

gnite all. im off to bed so i can drag my ass outta bed and work in the morning.

later.

ev